Monday, July 25, 2011

Midnight at Mendy’s

“Kramer, do me a favor, when you’re doing what you’re doing down there …” Jerry’s lip curled slightly in characteristic disgust, “could you stay away from… the testicle area?”

“What,” said Kramer, “you don’t like the balls?”

“Not a fan of the balls.”

Kramer’s entire body jerked in shock. “You’re not a ball fan?”

Jerry shook his head slowly. “Not a ball fan. They’re all droopy and hairy… and they’re just hangin’ there, they don’t DO anything! Now the penis? That’s a hard-working sexual organ. Balls…. they got NO motivation.”

“That’s right,” Kramer said with a grin and a manic waggle of his eyebrows. “They’re hangin’ loose. Takin’ it as it comes. Like me.”

“So you’re a ball man?”

“Ohhh, I’m a ball man. I’m a ball man Jerry!”

Then Kramer licked Jerry’s balls and it was pretty hot.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

This Is A Short One

Melissa, the beautiful young girl with silver hair and eyes that flashed turqoise and gold, went to the doctor. She had a problem with her vagina that made it too sexy. Most people saw it as a blessing, but she knew it was a curse.

The doctor’s door opened. Suddenly, a handsome man was there. It wasn’t just any doctor, it was Doctor Who! He was wearing a big scarf and had brown hair, and a handsome British face, like Harry Potter.

"Hello!" he said. "Come get in my phone booth and be my companion."

"But Doctor Who!" squealed Melissa. Her eyes were flashing more gold than turqoise, as happened when she was surprised or horny. "What about my sexy vagina?"

"We’ll figure that out once we’ve fought aliens or whatever,” he said with a wink. Melissa smiled, relieved. He was sexy, but not TOO sexy.

King of Clubs

Fandom: Poker Night at the Inventory

Strong Bad and Tycho were playing poker with the other two. But Tycho couldn’t keep his mind on the cards. How could he, if he had to stare at that sexy crimson egg-shaped face all day? He watched how Strong Bad’s boxing glove hands deftly handled the King of Clubs. How delicate and swollen they were. He thought about how his penis might feel in those boxing glove hands. Incidentally, his penis was also called the King of Clubs.

Tycho looked at his hand. He had the best hand that poker could have. He had all the suits and all the numbers. He had them all in a row, without even trying. But he didn’t care about that right now. All he could care about was Strong Bad’s perfectly round body. Where did Strong Bad’s back end, and his ass begin? Tycho looked forward to finding out.

Strong Bad was having trouble of his own.  He had the King of Clubs, but not any of the other cards. Someone must have them all. He knew it must be Tycho and not the other two jerks he didn’t care about at all. But how could he stand to look at Tycho’s square, milky face? That mess of tawny hair, hanging so delicately above his sarcastically half-lidded cartoon eyes. He couldn’t wait to hear him make a joke about videogames. That gave him a super boner.

Finally, Tycho knew he had to make a move. “I fold,” he said sexily, saying in a sexy voice the kind of thing poker players sometimes say. 

Strong Bad was shocked. His square mouth fell open, but you couldn’t really tell. He knew Tycho must have the best most powerful cards in poker, because he didn’t have them. But Tycho was folding, which means he loses or something. Why would he do such a thing? Why?

Could it possibly be… for him?

Later that night, the other two jerks had left to go do something stupid. Strong Bad and Tycho were left in the warm, dark poker room.

"Holy Crap, you are bad at poker," Strong Bad teased in his sexy, gravelly vaguely-Mexican or something voice.

Tycho pouted, his lower lip trembling. “Why do you have to be so mean?”

Strong Bad’s emotionless face fell, somehow. He had never considered how his cutting barbs might hurt someone he cared about.

Tycho’s face broke into its signature wavy-toothed smile. “C’mon, I’m just kidding. You know I can’t stay mad at you.”

Strong Bad’s heart leapt.

Tycho looked into Strong Bad’s angry, green, glowy fake eyes. They were like emerald pools he wanted to swim naked in forever and ever until he died.

Strong Bad looked into Tycho’s little black eyes. They were, as usual, looking sarcastic. But could it be, this time, that the sarcasm was tinged with something else? Something like…

A wealth of sexy, romantic information was exchanged in that one glance. These two extremely well-developed characters had a lot of ground to cover in their relationship. Tycho’s childhood abuse and shame at his own sexuality, which were very important and very canon issues. Strong Bad’s loneliness, which he tried to cover with cocky, devil-may-care bravado. There was a whole shit-ton of angst that only the two of them could understand.

But there would be time for that later.

They fucked on the poker table. Tycho was on top.


For Anthony, With Oblique References

Fandom: JD Salinger

Anthony “Tony” Glass was super pissed. He hadn’t had a quietly meaningful spiritual revelation in almost an hour, and it was really starting to burn him up.

He’d had a few chance conversations with young children who seemed wise beyond their years, but almost none of them said anything that referenced the Bhagavad Gita even once. Sure, one of them was innocent and pure, with eyes that seemed to reflect an ancient understanding. But she didn’t say anything that Tony could use as a heartbreaking counterpoint to his adult despair. 

"What the FUCK?!" Tony yelled out loud.

There was one thing that would make Tony Glass feel better: a bath. But even though he sat in the tub smoking for almost six hours, no one came in to discuss the devastating impact of his brother’s suicide on the lives and souls of everyone in the family! 

"Jesus Christ," Tony yelled, red in the face. "Somebody better commit a surprising act of violence to lend dramatic heft to this whole day!" 

But nobody did. Tony sighed and went to bed. He supposed everyone had a day like this, once in a while.

Love & Propane

Fandom: King of the Hill

One day Hank Hill decided something. He must have sex with Dale Gribble immediately. Nothing could stop him from achieving this goal. This is because he loved Dale Gribble.

Hank took off his pants. He had a big dick shaped like a propane tank. This is why he likes propane so much. I don’t understand it really, what’s the big deal about propane???

He did all the things a man does when he is getting ready to have sex. He slapped his own penis. He slapped it again. Now it was hard and ready.  Then he went over to Dale and kissed him on the mouth! It felt like kissing a beer, a beer that was shaped like a face.

"Hank! What are you doing?" Dale asked, trembling in surprise. "Is this a conspiracy?" He always thinks everything is a conspiracy. But Hank was ready with an answer.

"No Dale, the only conspiracy here is that I love you," said Hank, also trembling, but in certainty.

"Wow Hank that is a lot to think about. I am very emotional right now." Dale cried a little when he said this. It was not often that Dale cried. Hank knew he was seeing a rare sight. He tried to memorize it in case he needed to remember it later. 

 ”I must have sex with you right away,” said Hank, and he raised his voice and made a fist to show he was serious.

"Well, when you put it like that," said Dale.

Now they were both trembling, but only because they were both so ready to have sex.

Then they did have sex. They had sex right in front of the fence they always drink beer in front of. But this time there wasn’t any beer drinking going on. 

Then Boomhauer and Bill joined in. I’m not sure how they did it but I know there must be a way.

After it was over they were all very happy and had a beer together. Dale lit a cigarette and smoked it and then blew out the smoke. Hank knew that smoking a cigarette was like code or something for sex being finished, so he had a puff on Dale’s cigarette too. Then, after one second, he also blew out the smoke. Dale and Hank winked at each other. They had completed the secret sex code.

Then they all had a sip of beer and said Yep as the usual music played.

Finally Hank said “That boy*… IS right.”

Dale wiped a tear from his eye. “Thank you Hank. I love you so much.”


*Dale’s penis

~~~~Tears of Understanding~~~~

Fandom: Twilight 

Edward couldn’t wait to fuck Jacob. They were both naked and didn’t know why. Jacob’s dick was super hard and when it got even harder it howled like a wolf, which is what werewolf dicks do. Edward didn’t know that and he was shocked.

"Don’t be scared," said Jacob soothingly, his voice like if a dog could purr like a cat. "It’s just my werewolf penis. The penis is the most werewolfy part of my body."

Edward nodded, tears of blood streaming down his face. They were happy tears, because at last he understood. He never felt more close to Jacob as he did right then.

"I always wanted to fuck a Native American," Edward confessed, his voice halting with very very strong love. "I’m sorry, was that racist?"

"I don’t think so, but I’ll ask my dad later," said Jacob with a knifelike wolflike grin. That grin was pure Jacob. It was the happy go lucky grin he always had. Edward grinned with the grin he always had, and that’s when they knew they were ready to have sex.

They did have sex. Edward put his penis right inside of Jacob, just like gay men always do. It was really good and made them both feel great. Edward kind of wanted to bite Jacob, because that’s what vampires like to do more than sex. But he decided not to, because his love for Jacob was more powerful than the moon that made Jacob turn into a wolf all the time. He wondered if Jacob could turn into a wolf while Edward was having sex with him, but the thought scared him, and his white vampire penis almost got small again, but it didn’t. Instead, he concentrated on how good the sex was. It was very good.

Suddenly Jacob said, “Hey Edward. Maybe I should be the one putting my penis inside you, instead.”

Edward almost laughed. That Jacob. Only he could act so normal at a time like this.

"Why?" asked Edward. 

"Because I’m much bigger than you, like how a man is bigger than a woman. That’s how it’s supposed to be decided."

Edward nodded, happy blood tears of understanding streaming down his face. He was learning so much today.

So they had sex with Jacob putting his penis inside of Edward, and it was even better that way. It felt really, really good! Finally they were done, and they held each other in the morning light. It had been afternoon when they started, and then nighttime, and then morning and they didn’t even notice because the sex was so much fun to have.
Edward’s vampire skin sparkled and sparkled in the morning light, and to Jacob’s surprise… so did his! 

"Wh-wh-wh-What?!" Jacob stammered, watching his hand glittering like a tube of glitter paint had been rubbed all over his skin. It was amazingly, confoundingly beautiful.

Edward smiled his vampire smile, with both of his fangs out. Now it was his turn to explain. “That’s what happens when you fuck a vampire,” he said. “You get sparkling on you and then you sparkle in the light.”

Jacob was crying now and his tears only added to the sparkling of his shiny skin. “I always hoped this would happen,” he said. “I always dreamed it could.”

At that exact moment, Bella tripped over her own ugly dumb feet because she’s so stupid, and fell into a freezing cold lake and died immediately. Some people were around who could’ve saved her but they didn’t, because they could tell how ugly and dumb she was. Edward and Jacob both knew it was happening, because of their magic abilities. But they didn’t care, because Bella was a bitch who tried to keep them apart, and now they were kissing with their tongues on each other’s tongues, and that was better than rescuing an idiot from a lake.

Then they were in love forever, and had sex for the rest of their lives.